First flush of maturity
Can you see charm in the innocent and curious eyes? If you’re the witness of your own eyes would you be ashamed of it? I was reviewing my letter to myself from the early days and fascinated by the boundless thirst exhibited by this girl from the past.
I am reaching this state again, after realizing such limitations of my current knowings. Things I see and feel no longer be a source of inspiration, I became not just a seeker but sucker for the experimental. Things have changed, now I learn through active building - you may say this is an improvement.
Now the old question becomes new to me — such old question like “what constitutes to be a Malaysian?” A question I used to respond with gibberish that was packaged in a pseudo-insightful way.
But really, when this question is asked again it hits differently. What really is the link to the geographic, philosophic and artistic achievement of the people in this land that has helped to be part of the growth of my culture? Furthermore, when I mention culture, it is not merely a topic of the ethnicity I belong to nor limited to the nationality I’ve sworn allegiance to. It has so much more to be explored and this is an open-ended question, with inexhaustible varieties.
It is a tedious and uneasy task to want to determine this degree of history you wish to explore. Through this rumination one must also stay sane by not falling into the void. I must stand firm on a single point, whilst setting myself down on the crest of the moment, exploring the past but not losing sight of the happening of ‘now’.
Realizing the tension between these two — the realization itself is worth celebrating as ‘first flush of maturity’. Akin to an ambitious person who wants to reach the Mount Everest as a climber and the Mariana Trench as a diver in her lifetime. One must master the skill of climbing and swimming, with extraordinary character full of perseverance and gifted with stamina. It’s going to be a lifelong journey one chooses to embark on and the practice has to be incorporated into her daily life.
The maturity I celebrate is also the ability to liberate oneself with assurance and confidence through education, to create the wherewithal to survey the potential of reaching the goal.
This first flush comes with excitement too, but to keep the marvelous energy flowing for countless years, not left exhausted by the challenge and discouragement that will be faced. Just like any flush you see from a person exposing themselves under scorching environment, the heat may enervate one.
Since it has already been enlightened by such ambition, there comes the eternal travail in one’s soul. But this, the first flush of maturity, precisely because of the maturity coming from understanding of things, one must also control the speed to avoid the premature evaporation of passion.
On this meaningful day, I congratulate myself for this blush of excitement. As I also see a fertile living possible coming along with this first flush of maturity found in youth.
To new beginnings, and never ending